Skinny Kenny

“I think I’m turning into an alcoholic man. I have just been drunk banging chicks all week!”

I actually heard someone say that on the train recently. It was odd in so many ways.

At first it took me back… When I was younger, drinking a lot and going to parties, I thought I was an alcoholic.

Pictured: What I thought was alcoholism.

But that isn’t alcoholism. That’s just drinking, there is a pretty large line between true alcoholism and being a drunk college kid. If you are drinking in a social setting, or you drink to meet people, you are just drinking. It hasn’t consumed you. It’s just something fun to do while you’re hanging out with friends.

"Remember that time we dressed your dog up like your boss? *Haha* That was so funny!"

If every time you have a drink in your hand you are surrounded by your friends… Yea… You are just having a drink.

Alcoholism is when you drink because you hate people. You aren’t sitting at home smiling  ”pre-gaming” getting excited about all the cool people you are going to meet. Alcoholism is when you have already met those “cool people” in your daily life, at your job, when you are running errands,  or when you were on the train… And you know what those “cool” people are assholes.

Pictured: True alcoholism. Jesus style!

I am going to present to you a logical summary of the Travyon Martin case.

Between January 2011 and the murder of Travyon Martin, George Zimmerman made over 50 911 calls.

In the 25 years I have been alive I haven’t made a single 911 call, not one. Well.. I did once call the police on myself in Japan on accident. There was a mysterious red button in my apartment and I pushed it. The police were swarming my building in minutes.

"Everything is fine here... GO AWAY!"

In black and minority communities I often hear about how slow the police take to respond to emergency calls. People are outraged and sometimes they form Neighborhood watch groups, which is exactly what Zimmerman did. So one could reason that he had been calling the police repeatedly to no avail.

"Some guy just called to report a murder hahaha what a loser!"

So when we have slow police force we get vigilante justice. Almost like the comic book superheroes. People get a sense that they are the only ones left that are concerned with justice, and so they take matters into there own hands.

So after repeatedly calling the police Zimmerman was probably less than impressed with how the police handled his calls, he probably really thought something was happening this time. Maybe the neighborhood had several break-ins that month, and he felt he had the culprit in his sights. He didn’t want the culprit to slip away, while he waited for the police to move into action.

"One more donut I promise..."

Often vigilantes take things way to far, and that seems to have been the case with Zimmerman. So instead of just apprehending his target he hunted him down and murdered him in cold blood. This was a murder plain and simple. Trying to spin this into a hate crime could let Zimmerman off of the hook. I think it should be approached as what it is a cut and dry murder.

I know in the call it sounds like he said “Fucking Coon” but when you are enraged at someone you usually call them names as well, and in this country that often means making fun of someone’s race. Don’t even act high and mighty I was with a group of black women at a restaurant who took it upon themselves to berate and mock our white waitress…

“Like oh my gosh Becky could I get some more of these crackers? They are like awesome!”

But this post actually makes sense.

So let’s just say that aliens did it and call it a day…

Before I was Skinny Kenny, I was a mini Kenny…

Mini Kenny

During these days I worked at a Kroger. It was my first step towards adulthood in many ways…

At 16 years of age I was one of the youngest workers there, so that meant I got stuck doing all the shitty jobs. Such as collecting and pushing in shopping carts. At that time the shopping carts were all made of steel so each cart weighed about 1/3 my total body weight! I had to push as many as 30 of these carts up hill into the store. Imagine a 6 year old boy trying to push a Volkswagen Bettle up a mountain and you can get a general idea of my job. Ohh and the entire time I was pushing these baskets my hand would be getting burned. Because no one had thought of covering the handle in plastic. So the baskets would sit out in the sun and heat up for my pleasure!

There were times when I could barely make it up the hill with the baskets. I wasn’t moving forward at all, I was simply using what strength I had to keep the baskets from rolling back down the hill crushing me in their path. And that wasn’t just every now and then that was everyday. Remember I was 16 so I weighed just over a 100 lbs. Some days I wouldn’t have the strength and I would just jump out of the way and watch has the baskets rolled down and crashed into someone’s car. At that point I would wipe my burning hands off and take a break.

But getting baskets was a dream compared to some of the other things I had to do. I hated when I was called on the PA system to clean the bathrooms. The men’s bathroom was never any problem usually just read what racists comments were scribbled on the wall and refilled the toilet paper. But the women’s bathroom…

Yea...

The women’s bathroom always looked like a crime scene. There would be blood and feces everywhere. Sometimes I would open the door only to look down to realize that as I opened the door I smeared the contents of a used tampon all over the floor. I had never seen a tampon before in my life being 16 years old and a nerd. But now I saw tons of them. Tampons of varying sizes some were rolled up like a blood burrito but usually they were splayed out with their contents highly visible. Sometimes I would see very large tampons in the sink with what looked like chili overflowing from them.

I think at a certain point you need to consult a doctor

At the worst of times the tampons would be stuck to the walls and sometimes even flung onto the ceiling, meaning I had to use the handle of my broom to scrape them off without them falling on me. And then to further mess up my day sometimes women would shit on the floor right next to the toilet. I could see the reasoning behind this though. A lot of the time the toilets would look like props from the Exorcist movie, or the toilet would have tampons floating in them like bloody warships. So being the hygienic and sanitary creatures that women are they opted to just shit directly on the floor right next to the toilet.

I wish this was chili...

And when the floor became to unsanitary they would just sit directly into the sink. Sometimes a woman would unleash her bowels in a ring directly on the toilet seat making a festive wreath of human shit. That was always special <3 And all the while I would hear women talking about how they value a clean shaven man with good hygiene. Excuse me ma’am didn’t you just throw your tampon against the wall and watch it slide down the wall before you exited stage left?

One day the women’s bathroom was so nasty that I quit. I was afraid for my own health and didn’t feel like dealing with the apparent health hazards… at least not for $6 an hour I wasn’t. So I quit my job at Kroger and got a job at Wendy’s and guess what the women’s bathroom there was just as nasty if not nastier….

Time to quit!