The Friend Zone

I’m always entertained when I hear men complain about being in the Friend Zone. So let me get this straight you tried to fuck someone, they said “No thanks I’m good!”, and you developed a quasi friendship based off of that interaction? I’m pretty sure that a big prerequisite to being someone’s friend is that the feeling is mutual. You can’t just claim someone is your friend because it suits you.

“Yea I tried to fuck Beth last week. She shot me down pretty hard repeatedly over the course of the week. I’m like her best friend now! We are going shopping together tomorrow!”

Think about that. That’s like hanging out with an upfront rapist in your leisure time.

“Hey I know you said you didn’t want to fuck me, or anything to do with me last Friday, but I was wondering if maybe you have changed your mind. No!? Well how about we go out to for drinks and I’ll passively aggressively molest you over the course of the evening? (Great! How’s Thursday sound?)”

The very notion of a “Friend Zone” is a silly idea. Look I’m not saying that men and women can’t be friends. But you can’t try and hook up with a girl get rejected and suddenly, get elevated to BFF status. Look she isn’t going to go get matching friendship lockets with the guy she just repeatedly rejected. And guys in the Friend Zone act ridiculous. They will go out of their way to help you ladies. He will babysit your son while you and your baby daddy go out to Red Lobster for Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Because in his mind, he is suddenly next in line to inherit the pussy, like it’s something passed down, through generations of friends. Like he can leave the pussy to his grandchildren, in his will. So will you guise help me come up for a new word or phrase to describe this suitionationship? Like Fall Back Floyd, Pepe Le Pew. You remember that freaky ass cartoon skunk.

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Old-Fashioned Love

Hello again! I know it’s been a very long time. I have to start planning my days better to make more room for writing. With that said let’s get into it!

As I have touched on in the past, the current dating/relationship scene favors men heavily.  We are seeing a resurgence of the mistress, and in many cases the idolizing and fame of these extraneous women, we all know as side-chicks. Sure biology plays into it as men can afford to wait to settle down. After all a man has no biological clock ticking in the back of his mind. So this atmosphere will of course foster in women a romanticizing of the “love” of the past. A time when a man bought flowers for the woman he adored, opened her door, and complimented her everyday.

Pictured: Everyday life in the 1950s

Never mind whether any of this actually consitently occurred in the past. There doesn’t seem to be much evidence that any of this was a common occurrence. People tend to look at the past with rose colored glasses. Every artist in the 1960s wasn’t the Rolling Stones or Jimi Hendrix. There were just as many Young Thugs in the 1960s, propagating horrible radio trash. The mediocre artist of the 60s were lost to time, leaving only the cream of the crop to rise to the top and stand ubiquitously for the music of that generation. And because of this social pruning everyone claims music was better in the 60s because ALL the artist were good. NO they weren’t you are just fortunate to only know of/remember the truly greats of that era. This same principle can be applied to the fawning of 1950s era romance.

Alright maybe men of the era were more “gentlemanly”. Sure they may have opened a door here or there for a “dame”. Perhaps they bought more flowers for their lovers than we do now. But you know what else? This era was downright sexist!

A gentleman always asks before brutally murdering his lover.

And this being a time of equality you’d have to take the total package. If you truly want a man with the sophisticated edge of a 1950s gentleman you better be prepared to deal with a man who expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning, while keeping your mouth shut, staying dressed to the 9s, and being at his every beck and call. Is that really worth some flowers and having some asshole open a door for you? Shit most doors today open automatically anyway. Now let’s look at another picture from the 1950s…

"Bitch I opened the door for you what is this shit???"

Perspective people! Take off those rose colored glasses. The past wasn’t so great, you are only remembering the best parts, and picking and choosing the parts you want to assimilate into your life. This isn’t Build-a-Bear. Grow the fuck up!

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By now many are you are familiar with Elliot Rodger, the virgin who sought ‘retribution’ on women for not sleeping with him. If you aren’t familiar with him here is a video he posted detailing his reasoning for seeking retribution.


You know when I was growing up I was pretty awkward. I was (still am) a big ole nerd! So like Elliot here, I didn’t get much attention from the ladies. And the few times, ‘fucking’ was even an option I completely fucked up. I’m still kicking myself for one particular instance, but that is a story for another day… Not once in all that time of dragging my dick through an affection-less desert, did I consider murdering people an option.

Pictured: What not getting fucked looked like in 2004

People have been decisively split on this one. A lot of people sided with Elliot on this one! Blaming the women for causing this massacre. Others just said he was probably a psycho. When was just being plain old crazy, no longer considerable as an option? And a lot of people just blamed society at large. Well as a society I think must of us can agree, that not getting laid isn’t the absolute worst thing in the world.

In this post I’m going to prevent similar but differing sexless scenarios. I want to keep the discussion limited to situations ‘perceived’ horrible, because a lack of sex is a major overarching problem.

The absolute worst is a sexless marriage. You think being a virgin is bad, because you’ve never had sex. Trying knowing the pleasure of sex, only to be locked into a life long sexual relationship with a person who denies you sex. That is absolute torture! At least when you are just a virgin you can spend time with yourself. You don’t have to deal with other people’s bullshit in addition to not getting laid. But when you are married you are fucked, just not literally in this scenario. You have to hang around with the asshole that agreed to fuck you, but now won’t… You are angry at them for not fucking you. And they are mad at you for constantly badgering them about it.

"It's a beautiful coat darling! Look when are we gonna fuck gurl? I'm trying to put my banana in your split baby!"

So you two are just angrily existing together in absolute agony. And if you have kids it’s even worse because now you have to deal with those little bastards too! Shit, if I’m not going to be fucked, at least let me sit around drinking beer in my underwear, playing video games in peace. AT LEAST do me that one solid!

If not, I might just murder someone. Think about that again. Think about how many sexless marriages there are world wide. Very few people kill their spouse for making them sexless. And in those situations the spouse is technically the only sexing option. Again when you are a virgin you also aren’t getting fucked, just by a much larger group of people. At least there are still other options remaining. Who probably won’t fuck you either…. Come on dude you’re fucking ugly.

…and quit smiling! The fuck do you have to smile for?

You angst ridden virgins go somewhere and masturbate. You could probably start masturbating right now! Go ahead.

What’s that!? Worried someone might barge in, causing you to feel shameful/awkward? Don’t be, you are probably alone right now.

…and forever.

A second ‘bad’ sexless scenario, is being in a relationship with someone who for whatever reason won’t grind ya down. Perhaps they are waiting for marriage, or physically sick and unable. Who knows, maybe they are uncomfortable being naked. This one is similar to the sexless marriage scenario, but in this one you can leave this non-fucker at anytime. You just haven’t for some reason. Maybe you feel you can’t do any better. Maybe you luvv them! Or you could be an idiot.

Just thoughts.

But you could, in theory, leave this bastard anytime. Now just isn’t a good time, I know…
But again tons of people world wide are currently in this exact scenario and they are either wising up and moving on, or just waiting to see what happens tomorrow. Either way they aren’t murdering this person or anyone else. I mean you don’t have to murder you’re boyfriend to move on. You could just key up his car and break a bunch of stuff.

So again, if you are lamenting yourself for being a sexless lonesome virgin… DON’T. Your options are WIDE open.

And you don’t even have to stop being creepy to (eventually) get laid.

Look at me! I look like Mexican Beetlejuice, and people still let me fuck them!

And then I totally don’t! Because I’m that bastard who makes things sexless!

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Side chickin’


Ahh the side chick. Here is a woman who is constantly demonized, by pretty much everyone. And maybe some of the vitriol is deserved but I believe at the end of the day the side chick comes out on top. At least in the short term…

I’m going to put forth a fair and balanced assessment of the side chick. Presenting the positives of holding the side chick position and the apparent negatives as well

Positive #1: The side chick doesn’t have to deal with any of the relationship drama! All the arguments and fights are saved for wifey/baby mama. No one argues or berates the side chick because she is an escape, a vacation if you will. And who goes on vacation to yell and scream? The side chick gets all the sex and none of the other relationship bullshit.

Negative #1: Along with not having to deal with any of the arguments associated with being in a relationship, the side chick doesn’t get to go on any of the dates either :( Nobody is taking the side chick out to dinner or to the movies, because she might be seen and connected back to the person in a “faithful” relationship. This is also the most likely reason that the side chick avoids all arguments. Because a lot of arguments between couples seems to take place at Applebee’s anyway…

"I said red wine!!! God my mother was right you are worthless!!"

*Side note the woman in the above picture in the blue shirt is probably a side chick. Just look at her smug facial expression.

Positive #2: The side chick still gets the occasional gift! Hey if you are going to keep a girl around as a side piece to a chicken dinner then you have to give her some kind of consolation prize. And no gravy won’t cut it, unfortunately.

Negative #2: Unfortunately the gifts side chick are eligible to receive are paltry at best. While wifey gets a new car and a pair of shoes, the side chick is relegated to a buy one get one free coupon at Subway. And she has to buy the first sandwich to even unlock that shitty ass “gift” :(

Positive #3: The side chick gets to have all the wild crazy sex he won’t do with wifey. Remember he didn’t marry wifey because she was a freak in the sheets, he married her because she was “family” material. So wifey receives the boring missionary sex after he has tired himself out performing Cirque du Soleil with the side piece. Ladies your husband isn’t that boring in the bedroom trust!

Negative#3: There is no cuddling or sleeping over for the side chick. After all that acrobatic ass sex has blown her back out to Omaha she has to quickly exit stage left. You are a distraction, and nobody wants to lay in bed and listen to the trials and tribulations of a distraction. You don’t even share a life with this man, if he is going to lay around and listen to someone in bed it’s going to be wifey.

"Ohh your father called earlier. Your mother was mauled to death by a bear. I forgot to tell you.."

Positive #4: The side chick doesn’t have to worry herself wondering where this relationship is going, and if he is going to propose! She can live her days care free!!

Negative #4: This shit isn’t going ANYWHERE. He is already married and has kids, he is NOT about to end that life to be with your home wrecking ass. Hey, at least you got all those free continental breakfasts at the LaQuinta Inn!

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Raising the price of sex…

Today I read an article that asked women to collude together in order to raise the intrinsic value of sexual encounters. With the underlying goal being to foster meaningful relationships for women, and to garner from their prospective partners genuine feelings of love and affection…


Now I’m all for women getting something meaningful out of relationships, but this is a pipe dream at best. Martin Luther King’s dream of equality in America was more feasible than this. And people at that time where getting lynched for their beliefs. I don’t see any women out here putting their life on the line, to secure a higher value for sex. But it’s only 6:30Pm here so anything could happen…

And now for the reasons this shit will NEVER work

Reason #1: Men
It’s widely believed that women put far more on the line emotionally than men do when it comes to sex. Men primarily connect on a physical basis and women on an emotional level, because hormones or something…

As a man I can say this largely holds true. There have been tons of times were I was in an emotionally imbalanced relationship. And when I say emotionally imbalanced, I’m referring to a relationship in which one partner is far more invested (emotionally) in the relationship than the other. Like that time in Japan, when my girlfriend of over a year texted me “I love you Keith”, and I skillfully dodged her affection by telling her, “I’ll give Keith your message next time I see him :D

Being caught in an unbalanced relationship is draining. You are pouring your everything into a relationship with someone with only fleeting interest. So what’s a woman to do? Withhold sex! Say it with me ladies. WITHHOLD SEX! Don’t you already feel empowered?

If you are withholding sex to land a man that genuinely loves you good luck! If he says “I love you” is it real or bullshit? How would you even know? How can you possibly determine if an emotion is genuine?? He’s probably just telling you what you want to hear! Now I’m not saying all men are going to gas you up to get in your pants, but a lot probably will. Shit I’ve only told one girl that I loved her, and I only said that so she would leave me alone. Hardly genuine or sincere…

So ladies you might reach your goal of gaining more out of your future relationships by withholding sex and thereby placing a higher value on your intimacy and body, but who knows if you actually achieved anything, because people lie to get what they want.

Reason #2: Women
The video embedded in the original article, claims that at one point women worldwide were in collusion together to keep the value of sex high by keeping the “supply” artificially low… But then it goes on to say, that what actually happened was the advent of birth control. Seriously what notable times in history do you remember women collectively pulling together to achieve something bigger than the individual. Maybe you could cite women’s suffrage but even that was started by a group of men…

Who doesn't enjoy a good duck

There are tons of articles where research has shown time and time again that women sabotage each other all the time. Not just in certain situations or places but all the time everywhere. If you are a woman interviewing for a promising job, your chances of getting that job drop by like 30% if the person interviewing you is another woman! So if another woman won’t even give you a job what makes you think she is going to keep her legs closed in solidarity with you??? Where is the million woman march at to support the cause?

Reason #3: Sex
Come on, we all know that sex feels good, well the large majority of us do… It is extremely hard to resist something that makes you feel good. Don’t believe me just look around at the obesity rate in America. It’s pretty obvious resisting things isn’t our strong point :/

And it’s even more dismal when you realize that a large amount of women never achieve orgasm during sex. And they are still out here fucking! So if they won’t even withhold sex from the lamest of partners…

And not all men are sex crazed individuals. I’m an outlier to that stereotype. I can/and have withheld sex in the past so the playing field isn’t always cut and dry.

As always best of luck!

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Heroin Heaven

Do you think it’s a painful death with someone over doses on heroin?

Do they foam at the mouth, gasping for breath?

Let’s say it’s not an agonizing death. Maybe it’s a scary death where you die panicking from hallucinations. Like the couple that died in Omaha.

Maybe you die because you are so twisted, that you clumsily fall to your own death like Whitney Houston did. Ouch Whitney!

Or do you quietly slip away in euphoria like Philip Seymour Hoffman’s final hours. Maybe a drug overdose is the best way to die! Who wants to get shot in Chicago or strangled in Mississippi when you could die ultra high on drugs! The other peaceful option, death from old age, in and of itself is boring. So if I make it to 99 years of age, one random day the year before my 100th birthday I’m just going to overdose on Heroin and applesauce. I’m going to give that nurse quite a mess to clean up when my bowels full of applesauce are forcefully emptied by rigor mortis. Everyone else will have heartfelt memories of me in the afterlife. But that nurse will remember me a bit darker than everyone else…

And when I lay back in my nursing home bed high off the heroin needles sticking out of both of my arms, I’m going to slip blissfully, through incandescent tunnels of euphoria on my way to Heroin Heaven! And Heroin Jesus is going to open those pearly needle gates for me and direct me to the salad bar, where I’ll bump into the likes of Jimi Hendrix and Billie Holiday!


Maybe Heroin Heaven is Rainbow road from Mario Kart 64.

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Living in NYC

A lot of people have considered moving to New York, and they have reached out to me asking me for advice on living in the big city. New York isn’t some one off city in the world, if you’ve lived in a city before you know what to expect here…

"Another day in the city!"

But at the same time New York takes the normal everyday caveats of city life and twists them up ever so slightly. Take that picture of traffic up there, every large city has traffic, and no matter how early you leave in the morning each day you will eventually get stuck in traffic. But not in New York baby!! We have one of the world’s largest public transit systems. And unlike places like Tokyo the trains run 24/7!! Ahh yes when you move to New York traffic becomes a thing of the past.

Ohh… wait……

There is still traffic on the rails of the subway system!? Whereas other cities have subway systems that run to the minute, New York’s myriad of trains just run on whatever pagan schedule, that appeases the old ones. And this causes traffic on a railway. Something that should almost NEVER happen. Yet it happens so frequently that you’ll consider driving a car for the nostalgia of more traditional traffic. Because nobody wants to be stuck in traffic underground with a bunch of smelly randoms. I mean you can’t even using that idle time to play with your genitals because the homeless guy across from you is already doing it, in fact he has probably been playing with himself the entire time!

And that brings us to the next point of New York city, the people. The people in New York are fucking insane! That homeless guy you saw shitting on a bench in the park, probably wasn’t homeless at all, he’s probably the hipster son of some well to do attorney. And you will see him all the time… because he’s going to be your new roommate!! YAY!!

If you move to New York you will have to get a roommate. And as awesome as your friends are that live here, none of them will be able to live with you unfortunately. They are all in 20 year leases sorry :(

But don’t fret there is a literal ocean of crazed young people out there, with the social skills of hyenas, all eager to live with you!

After 3 months you'll wish you lived with actual hyenas

I’m sure you guys have heard my horror stories with my random roommates my first year in New York. But why live vicariously through me, when you can get your own pack of crazies to live with! And they will be crazy. I’ve hosted a ton of “refugees” in my apartment. People find out their roommate is psychotic and homicidal and come crash on my couch until they can find a “better” living situation. Then the cycle repeats itself , and they are back on my couch after a few months. I don’t know why but crazy people tend to let it all hang out after month 4. So if you manage to live with roommates here and make it past month 4 congratulations, buy a gun!

And that brings us to the last point that people ask me about here, the dating scene. People are fucking crazy! I mean have you seen how dirty your roommate is? Of course you have they are storing their laundry in the oven! Would you date that person?? If you’ve dated in New York you probably have.

One man's girlfriend is another man's crazed roommate

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The rise of the pretty boy!

In recent years people have derided me for being well groomed. Apparently taking meticulous care of one’s appearance is a reason for ridicule… if you are a man.

Half derogatory terms have sprung up to describe men such as myself metrosexual, pretty-boy, nancy boy, fuck boy, lame ass nigga, etc.

In society rugged = manliness.

Pictured: A real man (according to society)

But the scales have tipped recently, as there are a lot more pretty boys walking around than lumberjacks. I mean for fucks sake where the hell would that dreamy lumberjack find work in a bustling metropolitan area like New York City or LA? The only place you will even find tress in most major cities is in the park. And chopping down trees in a public park is a sure fire way to land yourself in jail. And I doubt that rugged beard will keep your dream man from being raped. In fact it might make him more prone to prison rape! Some men like the tickle of a beard on their balls (I’m basing that statement on absolutely nothing). Women you can’t live your life like Sex in the City and dream of dating some rugged mountain man, who may or may not be inbred! Either move to the mountains or get realistic.

Take another look at that picture up there of our archetype man, and take notice of his axe. Real men are great with their hands and know how to utilize a myriad of tools. Ladies if your man can’t change your tire whilst simultaneously chopping down an entire forest with his bare hands, then I’m afraid you are in a lesbian relationship. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news :**(

Let’s overlook the fact that the only reason the stereotypical handyman exists is because, in the past women were viewed as helpless inept damsels in distress…

Every bitch was a basic bitch in the 50s

So here we are in the year 2014, women have made huge strides across the board. Technology has made everyone’s life easier than ever before, and women lament the fact that men today don’t know how to use tools to fix/build things!? Da fuq??

And when a man is useful with tools, and helps a woman out, (again going by societal roles) he usually asks for her affection in return. And for this he is demonized. Simply for playing his societal role, as antiquated as it is. If I changed your tire or built you an entire patio deck, don’t expect me to turn around and ask you for a date, bitch you can expect a bill for my services!!

And lastly real men are expected to be protectors of their meager female companions. I can sort of see this one but…. Have you see that Sharkeisha video??? Women out here are strong as fuck! I’m a grown ass man and I couldn’t even take a punch from Sharkeisha, and she’s a teenager!! Your average american woman is built like a buffalo and is Ford Tough. Shit if anything you women should be protecting me!

And don’t expect me to sweep you off of your feet either. A lot of you women weigh more than me. You aren’t going to have me fucking my back up trying to be romantic…

If women want men to uphold antiquated gender roles then WE as a society should do it wholeheartedly! Women should take care of their rugged man, with his mustard encrusted beard.

Ya'll don't want this to come back...

The only reason I took up the mantle as a well groomed/manicured pretty boy is because the women I’ve dated in the past couldn’t take care of a cactus to save their life. Empowered women today don’t know how to cook, clean, or do any of the things we associated women with in the past. So while I’m waiting on my beer braised roasted lamb to cool off, of course I’m going to exfoliate my skin. I’m not going to sit there and watch that shit cool off. I’m going to get shit done. And I’m going to be pretty when I eat my dinner, bitch!

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The Thirst

I’ve been hanging out with a lot of younger people recently and I have noticed a lot of these younglings are relentless. They are out here each and every night doing any and everything they can to have the chance to mash their genitalia together. At a certain point the effort involved outweighs the potential rewards. And apparently it’s seasonally based…

Winter comes, it gets cold, and people want to be snuggled up with a member of the opposite sex. For warmth… It even has a name, ‘cuffing season’

Then the ice starts to melt, and spring is suddenly in the air. And yet again libidos are rising and the need for companionship is apparent.

Finally the sun is high and summer is in full effect. The warmth brings people out in droves. The beaches are full of scantily clad people, it’s a literal meat market. All the un-clothed bodies raise desires across the board.

Finally the wind is blowing again the leaves are falling, Fall has brought back colder temperatures. Wanting to get a jump on the approaching cold winter people are once again searching for a warm body.

Like I said seasonal…

But the thirst is also age based. I find that two ages groups are the thirstiest. The first group is 15- 23 year olds. You just started having sex in this age group, and you devote a large part of each and every day thinking about it or trying to do it. It’s new to you. It’s exciting! You’ll probably fuck anything given the chance. You will regret a lot of your hook-ups in this age group. If you can even get them. People in this group are flaky as fuck. You have a better chance of curing cancer than meeting up with your peers in this group. Everyone seems to be out partying up until the exact moment you get there. So when you walk into the club/bar and text the object of your desire they just left 5 minutes prior to go to another club/bar, eat pizza, or go home. It starts to happen so much that you start showing up to clubs with pizza, hoping to snare someone who’s about to go out looking for food.

The second group are people 33-48 you’ve had a steady supply of sex in your earlier days, but things have gone sour. Maybe you divorced your spouse. Maybe you lost the flame with your long term girlfriend/boyfriend. Times are once again desperate. You are out here paying prostitutes just to see what pussy looks like. You are injecting silicon any and everywhere. You might have regretted hooks ups you had when you were younger, but now you regret yourself and the things you are going to do/did to yourself.

Time is ticking. Biology is catching up with you. You are literally old news. You are a newspaper from the 1980s, nobody even cares what news stories you have to tell, because who wants to read shit from the 80s? Your prospects are no better than they were when you were in your twenties. Everyone in this group is old and haggard. And who wants to fuck old people? Their knees aren’t what they used to be, they are easily winded, and if things get too vigorous someone might shatter their pelvis. But you are old yourself, so you better put those dentures in and bite your bottom lip and get prepared to fuck some old people.

I’m glad I’m currently in the limbo group. I’m not consumed by the need to have sex, I’m free to pursue other endeavors. And the interesting thing is my lack of enthusiasm somehow presents me with more opportunities.

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Was I even a part of that???

Every once in awhile I get lucky and I get to experience an intimate connection with the fairer gender. It’s regrettable on their part. I mean they could’ve probably hooked up with a crazy successful guy, or an incredibly handsome actor. But instead they some how end up clinging to me like some kind of refugee, in a daze and confused. Given this I think it’s safe for me to assume that many of the women I duped, wooed are imagining they are with someone else. Like that actor they could’ve hooked up with…

Well maybe not this actor...

So out of curiosity I usually ask my lady friends, who it was they were imagining during the course of the night? Because I know it wasn’t me. And I get a wide range of responses from Lil Wayne to George Clooney.

Some women are a little lazier in their fantasy imaginations....

I guess it’s a good thing that during sex I imagine myself. Because if I wasn’t imagining me in the act, I wouldn’t be a part of it at all! That is the sad state of affairs in the bedroom for me. Deplorable.

And this isn’t just some wild speculation here either. As I may have previously mentioned I dated a girl for almost 2 years, and one night, while she was laying across from me she started to wipe my face. Frustrated she looked at me and said “You have something on your face. Is it mud? It won’t come off!”

I thought about what I did that day and at no point did I come into contact with dirt of any kind, we were in Osaka, Japan so there wasn’t much dirt or mud around. So unless her vagina had went mountain climbing or off-roading earlier that day there was zero chance that I had mud on my face. Before I could bring this point u to her she interjected, “Wait! Do you have freckles??”

Umm… seriously?

We had been dating for well over a year at this point. I think you would notice if the person you had been face to face with over a year had freckles or not!?! Unless of course you had been imagining someone else the entire time :(

For a second I chalked it up to cultural ignorance, but I had definitely seen Japanese people with freckles, as rare as it was. Plus she even said the freaking word “freckles”

It's not like I was wearing make-up to hide the fact

What a sham.

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