I’m sure we’ve all had that moment. You can’t remember the last time you last felt the tender caress of someone intimately. Perhaps it’s only been a few days, weeks for some, years for others. Regardless of the amount of time, the feeling is the same. So you set about to change your fortune. There are 7 billion on the planet at least 3 of them have to find you attractive right??? With that mindset you don your best threads and set out to find love. Depending on what day it is, what time it is, and where you are you might find a sea of attractive people out mingling or slim pickings. Regardless of the setting you find yourself in you will scoop out the people you could see yourself with. People on the same “level” as you most likely. Or so you think!
You start playing the numbers, and much to your dismay things aren’t going so well. You are getting turned down left and right. People you talk to either have a boyfriend/girlfriend or just flat out refuse your advances.
"Ughh sorry that shirt has a wrinkle in it, this won't work!"
On a normal night you might get discouraged at this point and give up hope. But you’ve been doing that for years maybe. Tonight is the night! You left the house for intimacy and damn it you are going to get busy with someone. As the night goes on the same scenario plays out over and over again. As the rejections mount you start to downgrade yourself, and question your own attractiveness.
"Maybe I'm not a 10 after all..."
With this self devaluation comes a downgrade in standards. And regardless of whether you consciously downgrade yourself or not, if you’ve been drinking this whole time your standards have been slipping with every sip. The longer your search for intimacy drags on the lower your demands are. I’d like to say there is a floor in this type of scenario, a point that is so low that you won’t cross it…
But sometimes you get what you can...
So now someone, whom in any other scenario you wouldn’t pay any heed too is suddenly on your radar. You might have some doubts…
“Maybe I should just go to Taco Bell, and masturbate” (Hopefully not in the drive-thru)
“Should I try again next week?”
But then you remember you came here with one goal and one goal only. So you chug that drink and you go for it. Finally things go your great. I mean how could they not? At this point you are scraping the ground underneath the barrel. This is someone that you not only wouldn’t bring home to mom, this is someone you wouldn’t want to bring anywhere! You try and hurry things along, lest you get jeers from the attractive people who rejected you earlier. Don’t want them to see how low you’ve sunk.
You see some of them looking, in your periphery and perhaps you yell at them in your head, “You drove me to this bastards!!!”
After what seems like an eternity you finally make it back to your house with your new friend. You get the release you seek and you drift into slumber resolute in the fact that someone still finds you attractive, glossing over the fact the feeling isn’t really mutual.
Realization sets in early the next morning, when you see what it is you’ve just done. Maybe times have been really rough and you decide to keep this person around until things get better for you. I’ve made that mistake, Don’t do it!!
*This next part might seem assholish (But it’s real)
I’ve been in the scenario I’ve mentioned previously. It sucks, sometimes it drags on forever. People just settle into what becomes familiar to them. Sometimes it’s accepted usually it’s not. As the situation continues the “friend” starts to get a confidence boost! Suddenly the playing field is leveled. That 1 you found in the dumpster behind Dunkin Donuts now feels they are an 8! I mean they are with you right!? That’s all the validation of their new rank, that they need. So now this charity booty call wants to do stuff. Real stuff! Stuff you’d do with an actual girlfriend or boyfriend. And now shit gets awkward. One day after another “intimate” encounter they flat out ask you “Why don’t you ever take me anywhere?”. Now you have to either come up with an excuse, or come clean.
It’s best not to come up with an excuse, because what ever excuse you have will need to be something that can be applied indefinitely going forward far into the future. So unless you are deathly allergic to everything that isn’t your bed, it’s best to come clean. Who knows maybe you do cave-in and take them out. But when you go out it is super awkward. You are walking so fast that you are practically running, and your “friend” doesn’t understand the rush? They want to walk leisurely through the park, hold hands, laugh, etc. You know, do all the stuff that real couples do. It hasn’t hit them yet, that you two will NEVER work. Now you could keep this up just to feign enough interest, to continue to have a friend with benefits. But you are just kicking that can down the road. And damn is that can ugly.
If you do drag it on, they will eventually want to meet your friends. Maybe even come over for family functions. But remember this is someone you didn’t even want to introduce to your dog… Yea…
So if you are at the point where you’ve dragged this on this far, you are an asshole. You will feel sorry for them of course when you finally break the news to them. But more likely than not you will feel even more pity for yourself for stooping this low for so long. And that makes you even more of an asshole.
But hey it gives people hope!