Soul auction

Ahhh religion it’s one of those topics you are told not to talk about in the office, or on first dates. It’s also the topic I’m going to talk about today.

I really want to say religions are beneficial. I want to say the underlying ideas of many religions are sound and helpful in today’s society. But I can’t honestly bring myself to say that. At least not with a straight face.

Religion is a lot like an auction or sale, every single religion is trying to sell you something to get you to sign on…

“Hey buddy if you worship my God you can live in Nirvana forever”

“You look like a smart man. If you sign up today I guarantee you will get 40 virgins when you die!”

“Ahh don’t listen to those guys. I got the real deal right here reincarnation! You can come back as what ever you like! How’s that sound?”

“Special! Today only!! Have your sins forgiven and get to hang out with Jesus for all eternity!!”

And just like any crappy salesman the rewards you get can’t even be redeemed until you die! WTF kind of shit is that?? I got to sign up for a lifetime of service with you and then when I die, maybe I will get the rewards and benefits you promise?? Millions of people worldwide will sign up though, but if it was Time Warner or Comcast we were talking about and you didn’t get what you paid for right away you’d be livid!!

Some of you might be saying that’s different, because you have to pay Time Warner and Comcast for their service. But do you not tithe if you are a christian? And are you not expected to make some sacrifice if you are buddhist? Don’t you have to spend time praying if you’re muslim? Let’s not forget time is money.

"Boy do I have a deal for you! Buy one god or goddess get the second one free!!"

But let’s say you are afraid, or you need answers from a higher power. A power higher than NASA… Well if you do sign up there’s more catches!! Mainly buyer’s remorse. You see if you sign up with the wrong religion you will miss out on the deal other religions were offering. You can’t live in nirvana and have 40 virgins it doesn’t work that way. And if you didn’t sign on with christianity then you are condemned to hell. And you don’t want that. So you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But if you do¬†you will spend a lot of your time, money, and energy just to end up as damned as someone who didn’t.

So skip the madness and just sign up with Satan. He at least offers a comprehensive dental and health plan.

And he's always down to party!


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