Social Media on alcohol.

I find that when I’m drunk I pay a lot more attention to my grammar and spelling, than I otherwise would. Isn’t that the opposite of what should happen? Shouldn’t I generally care about that kind of stuff. If I want to use writing as it’s intended, to communicate and to record thoughts, I should make sure it’s written correct, so others can understand it.

Shit, even make it legible for myself later. I’m sure we’ve all been in a really boring class at one point in time or another.

You are sitting there struggling to stay awake.

You should take careful notes so that you can pass the exam. But you are so tired that you just can’t be bothered with things like punctuation. The last thing you wrote down was a word who’s last letter extends all the way down the page and on to the desk. That’s the point when you succumbed to exhaustion and just let your arm go limp.

But again, why is it when I’m drunk, that I actively try to ensure all my “i”s are dotted and my “t”s are crossed. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m trying to hide the fact I’m inebriated when interacting with others impersonally.

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Walking in the shoes of others (A Tax Season story)

When someone feels that you don’t understand them or their struggles the first thing they will usually tell you is “Walk a mile in my shoes!”

"Umm my doctor says I should wear orthopedics only"

But when Tax season comes rolling around, things change. Now all of a sudden I want to walk in whomever shoes will give me the most loot! Suddenly all of my personal information is negotiable. When the tax preparer asks me questions such as my age, gender, occupation, marital status, etc. all of my answers are on a sliding scale. I’m a 19-88 year old veteran, nurse, teacher, politician, or student. who is either currently married, recently divorced, widowed, or single. I’m also either a chinese woman, a black mother of 4, or an Armenian immigrant.

In one day I go from this.

This

To…

THIS!

And with online filing I can live in any of the 50 states!

*This is purely satire I don’t actually do this

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The “Other” box on Facebook

I never noticed that there is an “Other” box on Facebook. And apparently it’s been there for a long time…

 

This message was sent in January!

When I click those speech bubbles at the top it always defaults to the “Inbox” you actually have to know about the “Other” inbox. At least I do, since I have the attention span and attention to detail of a 5 year old…

But this inbox makes me look like an asshole. Especially when people have actually sent me messages, and I unknowingly tell them they are a liar. Turns out they were telling the truth. I just wasn’t their friend at the time, so it went to the spam folder that I didn’t even know I had.

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Running Away

Remember being a child, and “threatening” your parents by saying “I’m going to run away!!”. Because they asked you to do some mundane chore like clean your room or do your homework (tasks that usually benefitted you).

And they looked back at you thinking to themself, “Shit! You mean I don’t have to pay to feed you, buy you clothes, or take time to drive you around!!”. Then they smiled and simply said “okay”.

Then you got nervous. How could it possibly be this easy? I mean how could they just let you go. YOU of all people the princess/prince of the household. At this point two scenarios could play out.

Scenario #1
You run away, because mother fuck cleaning your room. If your parents wanted your room to be clean all of the damn time, they wouldn’t have bought you all those damn clothes and toys to put in it. If they want it clean, they should clean it.

So you finally broke away! The wind is blowing through your hair and life is good. You can do whatever you want when ever you want. Nobody is there to boss you around anymore. You spend the day playing outside wondering why you didn’t do this sooner. Things are finally turning around for you!

But then…

Hunger kicks in. Forgot that you had to eat didn't ya!

You haven’t eaten all day, and now it’s the only thing you can think about. You have no options since you are a kid, meaning you probably have no money. And you were most likely an idiot so you didn’t even think to pack any rations. The only thing in your backpack is a laptop, cellphone, and some dvds… Fine I’ll just go back to sleep and figure it out tomorrow.

You try to lay down but, damn it you just can’t get comfortable. Bugs crawling on you and the night chill don’t make for a good sleeping environment. OOPS! Guess you shouldn’t have run away.

Scenario #2
You think about why you’re parents don’t hesitate to let you go. And then you actually think about everything, that your parents do for you. And you sheepishly look up and ask.

"What's for dinner?"

If I’m going to grace you with my presence you better cook bitch!

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Affluence

I’ve noticed something. It’s not something that I’ve just now noticed. I’ve seen it for years, all over the place. I just never thought much about it, until now that is…

I’m talking about the use of women as a sign of affluence. If you don’t know what I’m talking about maybe this party flyer will enlighten you

Try to ignore Martin Luther King...

What do you see in that? Three things in particular should stand out, no Dr. King isn’t one of them. I’m talking about the signs of wealth and opulence: money, high end consumer goods (In this case brand name alcohol), and women. Because you aren’t truly having a good time or living the good life unless you have all of those things. Some of you still might not be following me so here is yet another flyer…

"We got women ya'll!"

What purpose does the woman ever serve in these flyers. Other than being some kind of asset to be handed out to patrons like alcohol. How strange would it be if the roles were reversed. What if that fellow in the background was on the couch tootin’ it up and she was in the back looking disinterested?

And women are guilty of this same thing. Yes that’s right women show off other women to show how good their life is. Or how much fun they are having. It’s one thing if you are taking a picture with your friends, and something else entirely when you are just taking a picture of your friends in suggestive positions the line is pretty thin. And the type of woman in these situations is key. The lighter the skin the more “high class” the engagement.

Case in point:

If the women you are putting on display are white you are living the "champagne life"

This is a photo from a friend’s Facebook. She is a black woman who came here to New York to vist. She could’ve taken a picture of literally anything the empire state building, dinner at some fancy restaurant, shit she could’ve even taken a picture of actual champagne.  But she took the well worn road and just took a picture of some women, women that she probably didn’t even know, to show how good life is here.

And again imagine this picture if instead of two drunk women on a pole it was two drunk men. Doesn’t really have the same effect. It conveys an entirely different message…

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Flu for the kiddies

Saw a parent giving their child medicine on the train earlier today. A normal person would see that and have their heart warmed. But NOT me!

When I saw that scene I thought about the mothers whom have killed their kids via drowning and other means. Did they give their children medicine when they were sick? Where those mothers at their child’s bedsides when they were in the grips of a strong fever? Did they stay home from work to tend to their child’s needs?

"He wanted me to cut the crust from his sandwiches I didn't know what else to do..."

If they were there to take care of their children that makes their crimes all the more fucked up. Because when you are killing a kid, no matter what kind of angle you try to spin to a judge, that isn’t a case of temporary insanity. It takes a lot to kill a child. Even more when the child in question is your own. It’s something you have to give a LOT of thought. Even in dire situations killing your kids isn’t one of the first things on your list. For example if you were fired from your job, like millions of other Americans in this recession, you would probably think, “Going to have to cut back on a few things”. You probably wouldn’t think, “Gonna have to cut my kids up into tiny pieces”. You might eventually, but that thought isn’t going to all of a sudden just pop up in your mind when things get tough.

"Mama's gonna take care of you. You will never feel bad again!"

So taking care of a kid that you know you are going to kill somewhere down the line, can be taken in one of two ways.

1. Vindictive e.g. I want you to be in the best health possible when I eventually murder you. I want you to feel this pain I’m bringing.

2.  Sorrowful e.g. I’ve already decided to kill you, but I’m having some doubts, so I will be your mother. And hopefully kill you with kindness.

So next time you see a parent in public taking care of a sick child think about what I’ve said here, and you will be just a little bit more insane. And who knows maybe when things get bad in your life, you’ll immediately choose the path that should be the last choice first!

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The story of Tookie Williams

Many of you might not have heard of Tookie Williams, but I am sure you have heard of his ground breaking work as a community organizer. At a time when many black leaders were promoting unity around the mantra of non-violence Tookie Williams was pioneering community organization and unity centered solely on violence. At the time the idea was revolutionary. Martin Luther King was even quoted as saying, “Damn why didn’t I think of that shit? These mother fuckers are fucking my good suit up with these damn water hoses!!” in reference to Tookie Williams early efforts.

"C'mon man this shit clearly says DRY CLEAN ONLY!"

Tookie like many black men, lived a troubled life as a youth. He Engaged in numerous street fights, abused drugs, and went to juvenile detention centers on several occasions. After spending a year in jail for stealing a car.  It dawned on a then young Tookie Williams, that maybe other people wanted to engage in violent acts in a team based effort. More people means more violence! Upon his release Tookie Williams partnered up with Raymond Washington to organize the East and West sides of South Central L.A. into a what is now known as the Crips.

Thank you Tookie Williams, for showing black leaders that non-violence isn’t the only way. There is another way, and it is the way of violence.

Just let your Soul Glo

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Black History month the unsung heroes!

To celebrate Black History month I am going to highlight milestones that are often over looked in black history. I am going to bring you the stories of pioneers you don’t hear about in the black community. I want you to vividly see and feel their very real struggles as they broke records, smashed barriers, and overcame the odds in spectacular ways.

I’m going to tell you the stories of people like Eric Holder.

At a time when most black men were content at racking up only small amounts of debt, via child support. Eric Holder took it upon himself to break every conceivable record involving child support payments. With an unprecedented 15 paternity suits (the earliest dating back to 1984), Eric Holder racked up a record breaking $80,000 in owed child support payments. This pioneer paved the way for other would be run away daddies, and ushered in countless confirmations of stereotypes involving black men and child support.

Cletus Johnson a 54 year old white male from Lancaster County, Holder’s hometown, was quoted as saying, “A black man not taking care of his kids? That’s not news that happens all the time. Sounds about right to me!”.

Unfortunately Eric Holder was not available at the time of writing to comment on his record breaking case. But in my imagination he is quoted as saying, “Those ain’t my kids! Ya’ll can’t prove shit! None of this shit is sticking son! NONE OF IT!”

Eric Holder father of 15, caregiver to none.

Thank you Eric Holder for setting a new standard in the dodging of child support payments your story won’t soon be forgotten. Black men across America will hold your tale dear to their hearts, and keep it firmly in their minds as they become father’s themselves, purely on a biological and legal level.

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The 1st weave

The inauguration of Obama’s second term in office is fast approaching. And people around the world are anxiously awaiting this historic moment, the second and final term of America’s first minority president. I remember watching the first inauguration with my family on TV. Everyone was sitting in silence with their eyes focused on this man who had done the impossible. My eyes were also fixed to the screen but I wasn’t watching Barack… My eyes were focused on Michelle Obama, in particular her weave. I watched as it subtly waved in the breeze, like the American flag. With each gust of wind flowing through it reminding me of the wind blowing through amber waves of grain.

So far the mainstream media’s coverage of Michelle, during this historic moment, is focused on her dress. What will she wear? Who is the designer? How will people react to it? That isn’t what’s on my mind. I want to know who designed her weave? Is it human hair? If so from what nation? Perhaps it’s a new top secret synthetic blend, made with polymers developed by NASA!

Let’s take a look at it.

"This weave needs it's own secret service protection"

Look at the precision in the cut of the bangs. Marvel at the elegant sheen and graceful shoulder length. You can tell a lot of thought went into the design of this weave. I can imagine a team of top scientist testing many designs in the laboratory, losing countless hours of sleep going over the details of each design. After all this is the weave that will be worn by the first lady of the United States, so it needs properties you won’t find in weaves in the hood. It needs to be flame resistance, posses an aerodynamic shape, a nice shine, decreased weight, etc.

My sources tell me Michelle Obama's weave was wind tested in the Fort Langley wind tunnel.

I’m talking top secret research here! With so much effort obviously going into the first lady’s weave I think it’s only befitting that Michelle Obama’s weave is also sworn in during the inauguration. We need to put that weave on a bible and swear it in officially as THE weave of the American people. People across America look up to Michelle Obama as a role model, why can’t her weave also serve as a role model or standard? I mean it’s obviously the land of weave is lawless with wild variations in each design. It’s time for a new weave, and I think Michelle Obama’s weave is the prototype!

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It’s currently 5PM so tell me how is this on time? What kind of time does UPS run on?? And when does their “residential day” end? It’s dark as hell outside.

This that bullshit right here. UPS be playing.

*This is in no way related to the above video

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