Skinny Kenny | A place for comedy and insanity

Atheism

Posted on December 18, 2012 by K3NNY

What follows is just a write up of what I said in the video. You can read it or listen to me struggle to communicate…

I like to think that I’m an atheist. Well let me not say I “like” too. I don’t necesrarily like it. Let me say that I consider myself to be an atheist. And like most atheist I choose science over religion. Because atheist are usually firmly in the camp, that thinks “seeing is believing”.

“But God made man in his image we are his children! We didn’t evolve we were created with love by our creator. God loves you!”

I’d believe that but what about the dinosaurs and all the other creatures that precceded humans? Dinosaurs were evolving and changing for 150 million years before humans were dong shit. We have been here for maybe a half million years, depending on your definition of “human”. Were the dinosaurs “tests” or “prototypes” for modern man? If that’s the case that would take God down a few levels, wouldn’t it? It would make him very “human”. I mean why would God need to make “prototypes” for man, whom many religious people would claim is God’s greatest creation ever? It’s fucking GOD! The creator of the universe and everything we know and understand.

Now I’m not saying I’d make the best GOD. But, If I was a GOD and I wanted to make something I would hope I’m powerful enough to make it right the first time. I mean….. if not what kind of God am I? I got to test shit out!? That’s human shit, testing and discovering things, and learning from those experiences…

So now you are probably just as convinced as I am that I am truly an atheist. This has been straight blasphemy so far. But I’m not truly an atheist!

You see I still wish and hope. There are days when I wake up and I say to myself “I hope today is a good day”.

On my birthday or when the moon is full I make wishes. Who the fuck am I relying on in these situations? It’s not “God”. At least not in my mind. But it’s the same shit. I’m still asking for some unseen force or power to intervene in my shitty life. I’m honestly expecting some ALL powerful force in the universe to stop what ever it is it’s doing, creating galaxies destroying suns what ever the fuck it is doing, to give me a bike. Mother fucker I’m God! I gave you life now you want a fuckin bike!? FUCK YOU
A true atheist wouldn’t hope or make wishes, they would rely on themselves and forces they can directly interact with. Because magic isn’t going to intervene and make that girl like you. Cosmic forces aren’t going to align and get you that promotion. NO it’s up to you and the support you have. If that isn’t enough then too bad.

So if you want to find out who a true atheist is. Put a birthday cake in front of them, tell them “make a wish!” and if they blow out the candles and hope for some great thing to transpire, simply because they wished for it then that isn’t an atheist.

BUT!

If they knock that cake on the floor and say “FUCK making a wish I’M GOING TO DO THIS SHIT!” ding ding ding! You have a winner!

Posted in Observations | Leave a comment

The news

Posted on December 16, 2012 by K3NNY

"The assailant was a white ma... the victim committed suicide!"

I was watching Fox News yesterday, not by choice, in the gym. It was a story about a murder in Sweden. The international correspondent didn’t know how to report on the crime at all. Because it happened in a town were there are no black residents. When it came time to talk about the assailant she looked flustered, and paused for awhile.

As if she wanted to just chalk the whole incident up as “magic” or something.

“What do you mean there were no black people involved?? This isn’t news this is madness!”

As it’s been pointed out all over social media when a black person commits crime they are a menace to society. When a foreigner does it they are a terrorist. But when a white person does it they are mentally disturbed. Wait… WHAT??

Double standards much?? And then as if that wasn’t confusing enough I read several articles about the recent school shooting where people said Adam Lanza was a genius. So let me get this straight you’re telling me he has mental issues AND he’s a genius?

What made him a genius exactly? It sure as hell wasn’t killing all those people? So what is it that this “mentally disturbed” man did that made him a genius?

White people when you are ready I am right here waiting…

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Anything.

Posted on December 14, 2012 by K3NNY

I’ve come to realize they’ll tell you anything in the hood… So I’ll do the same!

When your lighter goes out, don’t throw it away! Put it under your pillow. The lighter fairy will come at night and leave give you a dutch for it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Falsely insane

Posted on December 13, 2012 by K3NNY

Recently I was out to dinner with one of my friends who is a psychiatrist, and he was talking about committing people who are clinically insane. And that’s a slippery slope right there.

How do you really know the person you are detaining is insane? What happens when you sequester the wrong person?

Well of course I know, I was falsely detained against my will, and of course it happened overseas…

It all took place one blistering hot summer evening in Japan. I was out at a nomihodai, which is an all you can drink party of pure inebriation. You can see the early parts of that night right here in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=OMcCDkpVfA4#t=75s

When I eventually woke up I was in a hospital bed surrounded by nurses. When I came too one of the nurses quickly ran away to get the doctor. He came and did an assessment of me and then decided that maybe I should be kept overnight for a psychiatric evaluation. Apparently my behavior was a bit odd. I’m sure if you drank whiskey for 9 hours straight, blacked out, and then woke up still drunk in a hospital you’d probably act odd too.

My head was killing me so I didn’t really feel like doing anything really. So I just laid in my bed and enjoyed the sweet life! I had nurses at my beck and call 24/7. I’m not sure if it’s possible to have a good hangover, but this was definitely the best hangover I’d ever had. When the second day rolled around I was ready to get up and leave, it was time to go home and get some stuff done. So I hoped out of bed and leisurely started to walk to the front entrance. I had just turned the corner, and the door out was in sight! A nurse walked out of a door in front of me turned in my direction saw me and then ran to hit a button on the wall. This button sounded an alarm, and before I knew it I was being tackled by 2 male nurses and dragged back to my room.

The forced me into my bed and restrained me. At this point I realized they thought I was mentally unstable… The doctor came in a few minutes later and confirmed my beliefs. He told me I’m not stable enough to go back out and face the real world, I might “relapse”. At this point he gave me an injection and told me to be calm. Because I was struggling with the restraints the whole time trying to break free. Which in retrospect made me look insane.

What insanity apparently looks like

When I woke up later on that night, I saw that I had been moved to another room in the hospital. This time I had a roommate! And he seemed to actually be insane. He was underneath his bed looking at me through the darkness. After awhile of staring each other down, he giggled and beaconed me to come join him under his bed. Now I really freaked out! Here I was restrained to my bed in a room with a crazy man. I was completely helpless! What if he decided to cut my face off or carve something into my chest?? At this point I started screaming! In my mind I thought a nurse would hear me screaming and come and release my restraints. Of course that was silly to think…

3 nurses ran into the room tightened my restraints and then gave me another shot which knocked me out. When I came to again I saw 4 nurses and a doctor struggling with my “roommate”. He’d gotten a hold of a bed pan and he was swinging it around like a mace. As I laid there watching this I knew that I could not be restrained in a room with this man another night. It was time to get smart. Because each day I was in there with him I was losing my mind a little bit and slowly becoming insane.

That night when the hospital was quiet, I called my roommate over to me. He was both hesitant and curious. Timidly he approached my bed. When he was at my bedside I jerked my arm about and told him if I was free we could go play under his bed since he seemed to love being down there. He slowly undid my left arm. Once it was free I quickly undid the straps on my right arm and legs. Then I straight up ran barefoot out of there wearing nothing but a hospital gown. I was in a full on sprint by the time a nurse saw me, she tried to tackle me but I put out my arm which collided with her face then pushed her right down to the ground. A doctor ran to the door and put his arms out to try and catch me. I was not about to stay here another day I folded my arms up across my chest so my elbows were pointed up and outward and then leaped right into knocking him back with explosive force. Using his body as a shield as I burst through the door. I ran all the way to the nearest train station and rode home.

Running barefoot style might've slowed me down if it wasn't already my hobby!

Luckily I was in Japan so nobody batted an eye at the tall foreigner riding the train in a hospital gown with his butt completely hanging out. I got home packed up and left town. I straight up moved away, because it was only a matter of time before I was tracked down.

And this brings the tale of a falsely committed man to a close. Hopefully it will never happen to you. Because the first thing you will probably say to your captors is “I’m not crazy!!!” and that’s what crazy people say…

Posted in Life, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Tone it down

Posted on December 11, 2012 by K3NNY

Expression in art

The most insulting thing anyone could ever tell me is to tone what I say down, or watch what I say. I’m an aspiring comedian I want to make a living off of my thoughts and anecdotes, so telling me to tone it down is like farting in your hand and slapping me in the face.

Most times when people tell me to tone it down it’s in reference to Facebook posts. People always cite that potential employers might see what I’m saying. Sure this is very true, but it’s also bullshit. If an employer is actively trying to find a reason to not hire you, then they probably don’t want you working for them in the first place. And if you have to curtail yourself that much to get the job, you will be tip toeing around the entire time you are working there. And who wants to live like that? Not me!

And let’s not forget the 1st Amendment, not the second not the third, the freaking first amendment to the constitution: Freedom of Speech. Read is slow sound it out if you have to Free-dom of Spee-ch. You remember freedom right? It’s the ability to do what you like when you like, it’s something we enjoy here, or at least it’s something I enjoy here, can’t speak for some of my country (wo)men.

At what point did we become so frightened that we are afraid to speak? It’s almost like we are slaves, finding round about ways to communicate. You don’t have to speak in code words like “drinking gourd” and “the north star” just say you are going to Canada, you won’t get lynched. *Unless you’re in Mississippi*

So when people tell me to curtail myself and seek to silence me I tell them, don’t stifle my voice, instead find your voice. Use it. Let it be loud. Let it waver like the waves in the ocean. Let it grow strong. But don’t let it go unused. One of the main things that sets humans apart from animals is the plethora of ways we are able to communicate with each other. Why would you limit this innate ability? It’s sets back our whole species!! What if there is some breakthrough theory out there that no one has heard, all because society is telling people “WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!”

Think of how many unique view points and fart jokes remain locked away in people’s minds out of fear. What a shame…

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

YOWO

Posted on December 6, 2012 by K3NNY

"Do I look like I give a fuck? YOWO BITCH!"

I’m quite familiar with YOLO. But black people let me talk to you. I have a new acronym.

It’s for those times at work when your job has you down. Your customers are treating you like shit, and your boss looks at you shrugs and says “the customer’s always right”. For those days when you just can’t. Lash out at everyone and then shout “YOWO” as you throw that 2 weeks in their faces

Get that welfare money!

You Only Work Once! YOWO

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The children

Posted on December 4, 2012 by K3NNY

“I’m at a point in my life where a lot of my friends are settling down and having kids…”

Or at least I would say that right now, if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m a southerner. In actuality I said that statement when I was around 14 or 15. At the time my friends weren’t necessarily “settling down”, getting married, buying a house, or what ever that phrase means these days. But they damn sure were having kids. Children their parents would usually be forced to take care of. I mean it’s hard to get your son or daughter to school on time, when you have to be at school at the same damn time! And even when they got home, my friends didn’t have time to make their children dinner or do things a parent would, because they were still children themselves.

"After these fries I need you to help mommy with her algebra homework, because I'm failing..."

And a few of my friends didn’t have extra parental support from their parents, for a myriad of reasons. So they had to step up and become a star parent, a great friend, and a stellar student. It’s hard enough for a 15 year old to excel in one calling in life…

Shit when I was 15 years old I was crying during episodes of Pokemon. I couldn’t even stop myself from crying so how could I deal with a crying baby?

Pokemon got real sometimes.

So you can guess how successful those particular friends were at balancing all of that responsibility. NOT AT ALL!

When we were 18-19 years old we were able to go clubbing, so we did! I would see my friend in the club wasted. And sometimes this would be okay, because they were living with the person they had the child with. So in those cases, it was socially acceptable for them to go out and cut loose, because their boyfriend or girlfriend was at home ensuring the children are okay. Then I’d look across the club and see the boyfriend/girlfriend at the bar taking shots.

"Where the fuck are your kids??"

When I would confront them about the fact, that they obviously just left their kid at home unattended, they’d feel some remorse for what they done. Then next weekend I’d see them both partying it up! I’d walk right up to them, and say “AGAIN!?” One of them would reply, “Don’t worry! We brought our kid with us! He’s outside in the parking lot in the car.” And that was reassuring to me, because this was before it was common knowledge, that if you left a baby in a car it would probably die. But even so, they were doing this at night, so the chances of the baby dying in the car would be significantly less.

At most they’d have to worry about their baby being stolen. And I’m sure the chances of that are even slimmer. If someone was to steal their car, I’m sure in all likelihood the thief would remove the baby from the car, set it down on the street, and then drive off. Babies aren’t the most valuable thing, let’s face the facts people. Sure human organs are worth a ton of money on the black market, but those are the organs of fully grown people. Who would even want a lung transplant from a fucking baby? I’m a grown ass man I’d take one breath and rupture that tiny ass lung. Even if buying baby organs was significantly less, I still wouldn’t deal with those underdeveloped organs. I’ll take my chances…

Posted in I'm your Step-Dad | Leave a comment

The New Yorker cont.

Posted on November 30, 2012 by K3NNY

The last group is the hecklers on the trains. But only a select few. The musicians are usually all right. Dancers are always a welcome sight. It’s the people who are telling their sad story on the train.

They are literally forcing you to hear a story, that you probably don’t want to hear. I don’t know about you, but I usually don’t want to hear it. And after you are forced to hear a story you didn’t want to even hear in the first place. Then they use their sad tale, to emotionally extort you for money. That’s extremely audacious. To try to charge someone for a story you didn’t even want to hear. Imagine if telemarketers told you a story about some child in Africa, or how some product/service could radically change your life. You’d probably say “Thanks, but I’m fine!”, and then hang up the phone. Especially if they started asking you for money for that conversation you just had.

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Welcome to Unemployment!

Posted on November 18, 2012 by K3NNY

Congratulations! And welcome to the slow paced life of unemployment. Did you know that unemployment is the fastest growing job in America?! We have offices open all over the US. We have a non-work force of over 10 million, that’s 8% of the US population. As a member of our non-work force you can expect to receive zero benefits, that’s right no dental plan, no health insurance, no pension, absolutely nothing! Tired of not having to worry about health related costs? Well feel free to worry all day and all night, as even the smallest trip to the hospital can put you in crushing debt. And speaking of debt, don’t plan on paying any of yours off. Our workforce is entirely unpaid! By not paying our non-workers we keep cost down and keep you out of work for longer. So welcome to the winning team! Kick back on your couch open a cold beer and try not to drink too many of your own tears as you sob softly into your drink.

"9 out of 10 unemployed people prefer Doritos to other brands when stealing from the store!"

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